Fruit Juice

Ok, so I’m sure you’ve been in this position before. You’re sat with your friend, chatting away and they say “If I tell you this you mustn’t tell anyone” or they’ll hook you in by saying “You’ll never guess what…” but then make you swear complete secrecy. Infuriating isn’t it? What is the point in knowing something really juicy if you can’t blab to anyone who’ll sit still long enough to listen? It’s like being given a book, being told it’s fantastic and not being allowed to read it. So what I’m going to do is try to tell you as much as I possibly can, without giving away any of the major details.

A friend of mine, let’s call him Ralph, recently went away to see family in the US and apparently had a very good time. His relations over there live in quite an affluent area in Miami and for two weeks he was treated like royalty (the designer clothes and shoes he came back with was enough to nearly make me vomit jealousy!); chauffeured limousines, shopping trips, meals at fancy restaurants you name it . So one evening Ralph was having dinner with his uncle at the Versace Mansion (more jealous vomit), dining with a few of his uncle’s friends and business associates and an attractive, dark haired guy in his early thirties. Conversation and drink flow and finally Ralph asks the attractive guy what he does for a living and his reply is “I’m an actor.” Now Ralph had already got that feeling that he knew him from somewhere but couldn’t think why, “I thought you looked familiar. Have you been in anything famous?” At this point, a little aggrieved at not being instantly recognise, the actor (we’ll call him Rodney) proceeded to name his past roles and finally the penny dropped for Ralph. “Oh of course, you were in [name of film] too weren’t you? But you were younger in that. You look so different!”

After the initial awkwardness they finally hit it off and became friendlier with every drink. Being the only two around the same age (and being more than just a little bit drunk) instead of going their separate ways after dinner, they decided to head to Twist night club (which I’m informed, whether I’m interested or not, is in South Beach?!). So Ralph and Rodney drink, dance and generally behave like drunken gays and all in all it’s a great night by all accounts. Now the next morning, somewhat worse for wear, Ralph is given the third degree from his uncle about the previous night. Ralph then proceeds to tell his uncle all about Twist and Rodney, but he’s interrupted before he can finish.
“You took Rodney to Twist? You took him to a gay bar in Miami?!”
“We had a really good night!” Ralph replies, unaware the proverbial waste matter is about to hit the rotary blades.
“You’ve got to be kidding me! You better hope nothing comes of this!”
Then Ralph’s uncle calls Rodney, for whom the previous night is apparently lost in a alcohol fuelled amnesia, and becomes distressed when reminded. The next few days pass with awkward silences and obvious tension, to the point that Ralph is ready to go home. But eventually things seem to cool down and the tension lessens. That is until Ralph’s uncle receives a telephone call from Rodney telling him there are pictures of Rodney and Ralph kissing on Twist’s website. A huge argument ensues, during which Ralph is shown the pictures and asked how Rodney will possibly explain those away, given that he isn’t out and is supposed to be dating one of his female co-stars. Thankfully (for Rodney anyway) his legal team manage to get the pictures taken down, through persuasion or cash I’m not sure, either way Rodney is thrilled.

So I’m sat here listening to this story (from a friend I trust implicitly I might add) and can’t help but be sceptical, it’s human nature after all. As though reading my mind, or perhaps an incredulous look on my face, he turns his laptop to face me and cycles through a few photos of himself and Rodney dancing, posing and…...kissing!! Understandably I’m shocked beyond belief. I’ve seen just about everything Rodney’s starred in and, if I’m honest, I’m hating my friend right now. I mean I love him, but I hate him and want to ram the laptop in a very uncomfortable place. But the thing that grates the most, the worst thing anyone can say in a situation like this…”You’ve gotta swear you won’t tell anyone because I would be in such shit if this got out! With my family and with Rodney, I’d probably get sued!”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!!